I Wish I Could Go Back…
Let’s talk about something I’ve learned the hard way. And yes, I wish I could go back and do things differently.
Have you ever worked on a team and thought you had a really good idea? So then you push it. And push it. And push it. Well, with all that pushing, comes “pushback” from the rest of your team or boss. So when you feel the pushback, you get frustrated and think they’re the problem. You can’t help but think how dumb they are for not supporting your idea.
Yeah, that was me. I was the king of having a good idea and pushing it until everyone around me was annoyed.
I want to talk to you about active listening and the POWER that can come from it. It’s a skill that most people don’t naturally have and it takes intense practice to get good at it.
Active Listening
The short definition: Making others feel heard.
NOT listening to the words that they say, but rather making the other person feel like you heard and understood them.
When you can practice this skill of making other people feel heard, you have so much power of influence. People will trust you. People will want to listen to your ideas. Doing this can be extremely difficult, especially when you’re talking about something you are passionate about.
Example
Let’s look at an example between you and another co-worker.
You are a construction foreman and you want the project managers to change the process of how they order and deliver materials to the field, so you bring it up at your next foreman meeting. This is how NOT to have the conversation:
You: “I have an idea. I think we should order all of the materials ahead of time, pay for storage, and then ship the materials to the job when we need them.”
Project Manager (PM): “Well, we don’t always know exactly how much material we need and it’s expensive to hold inventory.”
You: “Well I don’t think it would be that expensive and it would save us money on the back end from having to order last-minute items.”
PM: “Plus, we don’t have room to store everything.”
You: “Can’t we rent somewhere or get more storage? The shop needs to be organized anyway.”
PM: “There isn’t a lot of extra room in the shop and we would need to hire more people to manage that inventory anyway.”
You: “We could hire some shop help for pretty cheap though.”
PM: “Hiring someone also costs a lot of money.”
You: “Okay whatever, it’s your call anyway.”
Here’s the thing. Go back and re-read that conversation. Every time the PM would have an objection, you responded with an argument or rebuttal. You were not truly listening to understand that where the PM was coming from. When we do this, the other person will feel defensive because you don’t understand their perspective. Yes, the PM isn’t truly listening either, but if neither parties listen, it’s very difficult to conclude.
We All Want to Be Understood
When we are in conflict, trying to resolve a problem, both parties want to know that the other person understands their perspective. If the other person truly knows that you can see their point of view, they are much more likely to be open to your ideas and thoughts. When we don’t feel understood, our default is to protect our perspective.
What is this rooted in? Probably pride. We want to know that our idea or thought is valid, and we don’t want to feel stupid. Before our mind is open to another person’s perspective, we must know that the other person understands our point of view.
When we bring a new idea, give feedback, or are in conflict, we need to understand where the other person is coming from. We need to understand!
What It Looks Like To Listen
Let’s replay the same conversation above, except you listen to understand.
You: “I have an idea. I think we should order all of the materials ahead of time, pay for storage, and then ship the materials to the job when we need them.”
Project Manager (PM): “Well, we don’t always know exactly how much material we need and it’s expensive to hold inventory.”
You: “I hadn’t thought of that. What do you think the cost would be to hold that extra inventory?”
PM: “I’m not sure of the exact cost, but I know we pay for storage by the square foot, so that would just be an additional cost. Plus we would need to hire someone to manage that inventory.”
You: “Yeah, that is true. I wonder what the cost would be to pay for help and more storage, versus us purchasing material at the last minute in the field?”
PM: “How often do you need to purchase items last minute?”
You: “Probably a few times a week at least. There is always something that comes up last minute.”
PM: “I know we do pay more when we will-call items at the supply house last minute, especially when we’re not buying in bulk.”
You: “Yeah that’s what I’m worried about. It seems like we could streamline the process.”
PM: “I’m going to do some research to see how much extra we are paying for will-call items and see how much extra storage space and hiring someone would cost.”
You: “Awesome, I appreciate you looking into it.”
The Difference
Can you see the difference between the two conversations? One made progress, and one didn’t. In the second scenario, you tried to understand where the PM was coming from by asking more questions, rather than pushing your agenda. For some reason, it feels good to push our ideas and try to convince the other person that we’re right. But it usually is never productive.
Tips on Listening
Here are a few tips when you’re in conflict, pushing a new idea, or giving someone feedback:
Don’t argue every point they make.
Ask more questions rather than pushing your agenda.
Make them feel like their points/arguments are valid.
If the conversation turns emotional, take a break.
Try to understand why they disagree with you. Remember they aren’t stupid.
My Conclusion
As I stated before, I wish I could go back. I tend to push and push and push my ideas. I’ve been in many conversations on several different teams where I wouldn’t listen, but try to convince them that I was right. If I could go back and redo those conversations, I would start by saying my opinion, then turn on my listening. I wonder what the outcome of many of those conversations would have been. I know we can’t go back, but what I can do is learn from those experiences and try to do a better job at listening moving forward.
